All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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