I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
