You can't special order awesome
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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