dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
