Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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