My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize