david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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