and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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