My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
