People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
