Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
