I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
