She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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