Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
