i already hear my dad disowning me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
