He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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