my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
