I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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