period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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