got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
