just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
