i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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