you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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