I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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