Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
