he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
