I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I can't trust your balls anymore.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
