btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
