Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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