The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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