i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
