I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
