At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
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