3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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