just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
