So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
