What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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