I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
