we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Randomize
