I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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