I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
