3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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