I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
