I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
