I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
