So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I would ride that face into the sunset
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
