Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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