all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
