Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
so much tequila, so little girl.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
