I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
