he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
