I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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