Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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