Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
