I'm gonna have a badass scar
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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