I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
