you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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