Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
