i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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