Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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