I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am midnight drunk by noon
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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