I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
