Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
