i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
